2am to 4am is the period where the soul feels a closer affinity to God. Who said that? I duno. I just heard it long ago.

So anyway, its 3.56am and its another sleepless night where my head and neck cant decide on whether to sleep on one or two pillows. In the midst of all that tossing and turning, I look back and the days events and realise how much I've clung onto the past. Or maybe the past just catches up with me huh?

I feel like there isnt any progress in my life. Sure, I'm in Uni and proceeding to my final year next month. Sure I've ORD-ed and might possibly get into Maersk or SPF someday. But between the current self and much younger me (say 10 years old), I dont feel much difference especially character wise. I tried looking back (again) and realised that the path I've been on in life is hardly one that I've had much liberty to choose. 

I wished I had more courage to step up and just bash my way through but that simply isnt me. I'm just someone who gives in to people or likes to follow the crowd sometimes...yeah introvert. Sometimes I just feel like I'm in a trap and that whatever I do, there's always gotta be one small crucial thing that I can never overcome.

Somehow, when I thought of starting up this YEP a few days ago (still no progress on it btw), I told Mario that the only reason why I didnt choose an existing project or approach an org was because my purpose can be corrupted or deviated and eventually I'd lose the objective and will not achieve what I originally set out to do. There's SOO many pitfalls including external influence from others which would cause that deviation. I wont allow that shit to happen in my life anymore just like it did in Poly, NS and my own family. I'm simply done to have someone dictate or hold me back in whatever I'd choose to do or let me be who I am. 

I wonder if C's got the same problem though.Reading her tweets makes me see her in a different light. and I miss jo too. So anyway, about YEP, im not doing this for any personal gain or recognition (there isnt any too). There's only the beneficiary, my trusted few and myself to lead. And I would not have it any other way.

wondering.........

So I heard a few of the guys are going to UK and it makes me wonder if I could've gone as well despite the fact that I dont have the money to support myself for a little over year up there. But there also lies the question of my grades which I truly feel so aggrieved. Yup, its gonna be one of those rant-about-your-lousy-grades-post.

I look back and begin to question my decision for taking such a huge step of doing part-time studies while serving NS. My first few grades have truly suffered so badly from having to juggle my health, work and studies, friends & family. I know what everyone would say to me, that I should've just soldiered during NS and focus on studies especially with such bad management but its not within my values to do such a thing. And besides, I still do plan on a career with SPF so why should I jeopardize a possible career option like this?

I truly gave it my all and I really do wish others were able to empathize but I cant blame them for their own apathy. Its a tough life that most of us chose and it's always gonna be that way so long as we had to juggle it like that.

Ahh shaking myself awake now I recall what Bear Grylls said at the end of his tenure with the French Foreign Legion; "We didnt find Bo Jest nor the romantic myths of the Legion. Instead, we found only pain. But from that pain came pride and honor. Well, it builds good things through that hardship"

I'll remember that phrase. I can still push on and I am never too late.

So I got back my results for Biz finance and its not good. So there's no more chances left for me.

I wont give up. Never.

Screw everything else and focus on this.

I believe.

ORD!

Alright so ORD has come and gone. And with it comes a whole new beginning which I am still adjusting to.

I've been off the hook recently. My head hasnt been in the game. I'm not sure whats causing all this but maybe because my mind deteriorated as a result of slacking at the end of NS and not picking up the pace though there isnt much to pick up on. heh. Anyway, when the slack comes, I realise there's a tendency for me to get enveloped with thoughts of others.

Yeah, its shit.

I have this habit of thinking too much though. Probably brought on by the fact that I never really share my TRUE thoughts with most people. And when that happens, my mindset is someone else's mindset. -.-

Hmm...so anyway I just got a text reply from Theresa. She's someone who intrigues me with her perspective and well-mannered character. Just the way she replies makes me look at myself twice and instantly, I've snapped out of this stupor. (you know, it could possibly be the damn heat of the day which makes me brain all fuzzy).

There's never been a more timely wake up call for me. Rachel is returning soon from Cambodia and I feel a need to sort things out with her. Plus ME paper is next sat. heh. Thank God I'm no longer in PAD or I'd be in a panic mode now.

I need for me-time to get my head back on straight and think about my future (fark. why did that sentence have to sound so drama?)